What Makes You Trust Someone?
"I trust him to behave exactly as I expect him to. But I do not respect him."
That comment changed the direction of a recent conversation with 17 business leaders. We had started by asking whether trust should given first or earned over time. But the room soon began separating three thing we often treat as the same: trusting someone, respectig them and liking them.
Several people said they have friends they would never do business with. Others knew people they didn't particularly like but would happily recommend because they trusted them to deliver. Someone could be pleasant without being dependable. Another person could be difficult, yet completely reliable.
The conversation became more interesting when we asked which people had shown the strongest character. Nobody spoke about charm, confidence or impressive credentials. They rememberd the leader who protected her team during a dangerous situation. The person who accepted blame when things went wrong but gave others the credit when they went well. The business owner who told clients the truth even when it could cost the sale.
The people they trusted most were not simply likeable or easy to understand. They had shown who they were at a monent when choosing differently would have been easier.
Being Yourself Is Not Enough
We often treat consistency shows good character. If someone behaves the same way over time, we feel we know them. We can predict what they will do, and that can make them easier to trust.
But being predictable does not mean someone will do the right thing.
A person can be selfish every time. They can repeatedly break promises or put themselves first. You may know exactly how they will behave, but that does not mean you respect them or would trust them with something important.
Authenticity can also be misleading. We praise people for being themselves and showing the same personality in pubilc and private. But authenticity only tells us that we are seeing the real person. It does not tell us whether that person is honest, fair or responsible.
Someone can be completely authentic and still have poor character.
Good character becomes clearer when a person has a difficult choice to make. Most people can tell the truth when they have nothing to lose. They can appear loyal while the relationship still benefits them.
The real test comes when doing the right thing could cost them something.
Success Makes Character Harder To See
As people become more successful, those who approach them are usually better prepared. A possible business partner, adviser or senior employee may already know their work, their interests and the people around them before the first meeting takes place.
They know how to present themselves well. They arrive with experience, strong references and the right answers. They may speak about the same values and show a celar interest in the relationship. This does not mean they are being dishonest. It means people prepare carefully when the opportunity is valuable.
